Life with an “almost-grown” (on paper) teenager can feel like standing in two worlds at once: part of you is still picking up last week’s food on a plate that’s been pushed under the bed (to the dogs delight) while the other part of you is trying to imagine that same child sharing a bathroom and a kitchen (shared communal areas?) with strangers on a university campus. The only thing I am saying is: LOL!!!
A messy bedroom, bathroom, “Mama, pleeeeease drive me?” requests can make it easy to panic and decide, “She’s not ready” but is the truth more hopeful?: readiness for university isn’t a personality trait she either has or doesn’t have, it’s a set of skills that should have been (yes my fault for sheltering her) or could still be learned, practiced, and strengthened in the months before she leaves… hopefully.
The first step is shifting how I personally see my own role
I am the organiser, cleaner, Uber driver, “whole in the wall” (thats how we call the bank distributor here in London!!), cook and safety net— and that is all fine and totally normal for me. The way I was brought up wasnt exactly miles away for her upbringing. That is for me an act of love (like making food for my family and friends, but that is another story!!) but it has also quietly trained my only daughter to lean on me instead of herself.
Rather than blaming myself, I would like to be able to name this dynamic openly:
“I’ve done a lot for you because I love you, but I realise that if I carry on in that direction, I’m not helping you.”
This isn’t a confession of failure; it’s an invitation to change it together and I pray that she understands it just like that. I move from being the person who does it all for her to the coach who stands beside her while she learns— but will she play the game?
Getting down to business
“Be more independent” is vague and overwhelming, especially for a teen who may already feel super anxious and overwhelmed about leaving home.
Instead, I thought of sitting down with her to make a short list of what “ready for uni” actually looks like.
It might include waking up on her own, running a full load of laundry without shrinking anything or mixing colours (!!), keeping a bathroom/kitchen at a basic level of cleanliness, planning her journeys without automatically calling me, and sending her own emails to teachers.
Maybe when these tasks are written down, they stop being a judgment of her character and become a practical checklist she can work through.
Of course, knowing what needs to change is not the same as changing it.
A permanently messy room and bathroom often hide a mix of teenage priorities, executive function struggles, and the knowledge that “someone else will do it in the end.”
Try a reset
Rather than launching a shouting match at the doorway, I try a reset. Doing it together and agreeing on a realistic “minimum standard.” Her bedroom does not need to look like Town & Country magazine, but it does need a clear floor, no moldy plates, and fresh sheets once a week. For the bathroom: wipe the sink after use, no towels on the floor, no makeup or products left open all over the surfaces. NO fake lashes glued to the sink either… Small, repeatable habits are far more powerful than one huge clean every few months I believe…
The car is another quiet symbol of in/dependence. If I am her personal chauffeur and I protect her from inconvenience, but I also deprive her of practice. University life will require her to read bus timetables, walk in the rain, plan ahead and decide when to leave in order not to be late to lectures or appointments.
Start by gradually changing the rules
Start by asking her how she would do this journey if I wasn’t here?
And I will get the inevitable “I’ll be fine”.
I just want to look at options together, then by setting limits on lifts, so she has to experiment with alternatives? Would that work?
My aim is not to stop doing what I am doing for her and abandon her but to let her feel the small discomforts of planning and problem-solving for herself now— while home is still near and safe. Perhaps the most powerful preparation I can offer is rehearsal?
Don’t even get me started on money. How will she manage a budget? Ever since she figured out how to use contactless on her phone, I am 100% sure she’s been under the impression that mobile payments come from some bottomless magical/unicorn cloud fund. As far as she’s concerned, “budgeting” just means making sure her battery is at least 20%!
It also means that when I am not around the corner I have to trust that she can learn this and/or just deal with the consequences and figure it out. For the last year she has been babysitting our neighbours’ kids. She starts to understand that money isn’t growing on trees (That’s the French translation of a saying!!) and that she cannot just spend without thinking.
So whats the take away from all this?
I will be desperately anxious for her, wanting every minute of the day to jump on a train to visit her on the campus. But no, I will not and instead I will tell myself “I’m not going to rescue her from every inconvenience, but I will cheer her up, believe in her and grow with her.”
In the end, independence is not my absence in her life; it is the presence of her own emerging competence, supported by my love and my willingness (OMG its going to be hard!!) to step a little to the side so she can stand on her own.
